Pools of Amber and Blue
by 0melting.snow0
Summary: He left and she doesn't know how to handle this kind of situation. It feels like drowning and then she get's a life-changing message. Will he return? Will she survive? I'll try some sap later on. :D R/R
1. Chapter 1

_To the extraordinary Stana Katic. :D_

_A special thanks to All-I-Need for beta-reading my stuff. I really love you for your patience. –huggles- _

**Pools of Amber and Blue**

Chapter 1

It was simple, somehow. He was gone and she was left alone – again. Her mother, Will… People walked into her life, pretended to care and then they disappeared. She knew she should get used to it. There wasn't much left to do. Work… Hell yeah, she still had work to do. It had been a charade then, believing in one thing, while hiding another. There were things she was good at, and things that they were good at in the same way. It still made her want to shoot somebody. Him or her, she wasn't sure of anything right now.

Beckett critically studied her nude reflection under the fluorescent light of her bathroom mirror. There were many similarities, hair color, eyes, the shape of her breasts… But nonetheless this woman was a stranger. There were dark circles under her eyes and some sort of sadness she thought she had surpassed a couple of years ago.

Not a long time ago she decided to stick to the things that she knew, like… who was the bad boy or who was lying in that dark and twisted murderous game she was joining day in and day out.

A mute sigh escaped her throat while her fingertips traced across a new scar. Gunshot wound, left shoulder, three weeks ago. Part of her hoped he'd come to the hospital, sitting next to her bed, annoying nurses… but when she opened her eyes there were Lanie and Esposito and Ryan. Kathrine Beckett wasn't an idiot. She knew she shouldn't let herself care so much. So she stopped, while trying to stabilize her weapon with a trembling left arm.

Experimentally rolling her shoulders and flexing her arms, she confirmed the placement of metal pins and screws deep inside the bone, when her phone was reminding her that she was gonna be late for work.

"Beckett…"

It was Esposito and she was out of the door before he even finished the details of their new case.

Deep down, some part of her was waiting for some kind of formula – 'You are extraordinary.' There was a time when she wished she'd never met him. She stopped going home at night, barely slept, except for the occasional nap she managed to work in over her night shifts. It was all too much sometimes, just how much this man had come to define the parameters of her world. There were times when she felt regret because he didn't seem to notice what he'd done to her. In order to save her, he would first have to find a way to break through his own ego.

She tried to remember when it happened, when everything became so much more than she was able to bear. Sometime in between. Maybe it was Coonan or the moment her apartment had been blown to bits… She couldn't remember, but _he _was there and she hated herself for the fact that it was so easy to blame him.

She decided that she would never let it get to her. So she didn't quite understand the dull ache in her chest.

While she was rushing through the streets of New York and some cheesy songs were trying to distract her she couldn't stop herself from remembering the one thing she didn't wanna think about.

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_OB__/GYN wasn't her favourite place to be. Her grandmother had died from ovarian cancer and seriously this whole stuff was just creepy. But Jancie Clarke was one of her closest friends and she knew she could trust her with her life and that was kind of the point. _

_She looked at the woman who sat next to her. These bright blue eyes and the red locks reminded her a little bit of Alexis. Maybe she would look a little like… No… Focus… _

"_I was shot about a week ago. Nothing serious, though… I got home yesterday, took a shower and stared at my reflection like 3 hours… Just to make sure everything was still there…"_

_Kate bit her lip her gaze transfixed to the ground. _

"_Kathy, what's the matter?" _

_Beckett knew this woman since the day her mother died, when she was just an intern in the ER. If she would've been asked about the person she trusted the most, Jan's face would pop into her mind right away. But this was different. This was something else entirely. Maybe because she wasn't used to be sick after all. _

"_I found a lump…"_

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Now she was here. Another victim, another homicide she couldn't prevent. Nowadays she seemed to be surrounded by her failures every second. Esposito was looking for witnesses while Lanie was crawling into a smashed car.

"COD?"

"Body smashing…"

Kate rolled her eyes but didn't say anything. She was tired.

"So you'll first have to get him back…"

"Exactly… How are you, honey?"

"I'm _fine_…"

"Right…"

They didn't discuss the Castle-thing anymore, the lump-thing neither, mostly because she hadn't got the chance to tell her yet. She was her best friend but some things are better left in the dark. It was kind of a floating line – entirely up to the individual. She let it pass and tried to concentrate on the things that mattered. Dead people. Her gaze travelled across the crime scene and stopped at a purple leaf next to their victims foot.

Colours weren't the same anymore. They didn't glow – there weren't many varieties. Only shades of black and grey. A dull mist was covering her eyes. The world must've turned upside down and she realized, not for the first time in her life, that it actually hurt losing a person you loved – or at least a person you should've loved, just a little bit more. She frowned.

Blur.

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"_Will I lose my breast?"_

"_I… don't know yet…" Jan's hesitation was something Kate just wasn't used to. _

"_Chemotherapy?"_

"_Yes…"_

_Kate didn't say anything. She was thinking about Castle and work and her father…_

"_Kathy?"_

"_I'm_ fine_…"_

TbC

A/N: Castle will come around, I promise…


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

It was like she blinked and he was there, sitting next to her desk, when she arrived the next morning. Beckett blinked in raid succession against the black dots which played a dangerous game with her mind, putting a hand up to cover her eyes from the dizziness of her mind. When her vision cleared she could see Lanies frame in the doorway next to her.

She frowned disapprovingly finding him there, alone at Kates desk leaning back in the chair, with his feet propped on the desk.

"You know we haven't called him…"

"What?"

"When this thing with your shoulder happened… I wanted to, but Javier said…"

"Javier?", Beckett asked, rising an eyebrow sceptically.

"Nevermind…"

"Well it doesn't matter…"

"Kate…"

"Yo Beckett… We got a witness. Little girl, Charlene Edwards, Ryan is just bringing her in…", Esposito called.

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A face that young shouldn't show evidence of a pain so deep, but it was there. It reminded her of her own experiences, and how often she had been told by others that she'd been born old. Years of heartache trapped in such a small body. Sometimes it made her laugh, sometimes it made her cry. The reality was that she knew that face, she lived it, she saw it in the mirror every day.

"Hey Charlene, I'm Kate…"

The girl's gaze travelled across her features but she just couldn't bring herself to meet her eyes.

"I know that you're scared, but we're going to make sure that you'll be okay… I promise… But you have to tell me, what you saw last night…" The child expressed a shrill haunting moan of sorrow, drifting out over the commons and echoing back again.

"Come here…"

The girl climbed into her lap curling into a ball of desperation while telling Kate in silent rapid words how her father had been butchered by a 15 year old on Speed. There weren't any words of sympathy because it wouldn't help her surpass the pain. The kind of pain that could only make you realize how exquisite the absence of it truly felt.

The longer they stayed away, the harder it would be to return. She knew this and yet she was the one who was the most reluctant to leave. Maybe it wasn't the girl clinging to her; maybe it was her clinging to the girl…

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"Coffee?"

Nobody had touched her in weeks and when she opened her eyes both of them drowned in a mix of light blue and liquid amber. It saddened her how they could no longer seem to function as they once had, weirdly in synch without a hint of syncopation. Not an easy skill to master, but they had somehow managed. Stranger still, it had become the backbone of their partnership, a way of co-existing and acknowledging the strength of their bonds, without actually having to put a name to it.

"No, thank you…"

She could just make out the hum of a refrigerator nearby, switching itself on through the wall, and there was also the metronome swish of a ceiling fan. She had debated with herself about forgiving him but in the end he hadn't done anything wrong after all. Could she blame him for running from a relationship which probably would've failed?

_I care about you, I can not stop myself from caring about you…_

"How is Alexis?"

"Fine, addicted to Princeton and in love with one of her professors…"

She smiled.

"I'll call her tomorrow; I'd love to grab a coffee with her…"

"She missed you…"

She wanted to reply, she really did but the words were locked inside her head. Once the exchange had been made he went to allow her some privacy.

"See you tomorrow?" It sounded like a plea and she wondered if there lingered some kind of regret in them.

"On Wednesday… I… There's something I need to do tomorrow…"

"Maybe we can… talk then?"

"Okay…" It didn't sound right, like unfinished business between the two of them.

He nodded, and left as she brought the phone up to her ear. She found that her mouth had gone completely dry, and her pulse was racing. All the classic symptoms of a panic attack – her first attempt was barely audible, so she cleared her throat and tried again.

"Jan? I managed to get tomorrow off…"

"_Kate… Do you really think you can work…"_

"I can handle it. I am handling it…"

"_You don't know what you're talking about. It's an aggressive treatment. In the end you might not even know which pill to take next. You will mess around, you will be unfocused and confused, the world's a blur. Face it, you can't do this alone. Let me help, or Lanie… Call your Dad…"_

"My father can't… I…"

"_I don't care who you call but you need _somebody _who makes sure that you don't stop breathing in the middle of the night."_

She hung up, mostly because she didn't have the energy to fight with her friend. Today… Maybe she could… She dialled the number and waited. The monotone ringing was comforting and she felt herself relaxing against the hard surface of the wall.

"_Hello?"_

The deep emotions conveyed were contagious and Kate closed her eyes briefly, envisioning her friend's kindly face in her mind. Then she checked back with Castle, who still lingered next to her desk, surprised to find that his eyes were conspicuously shiny as well.

"Hey Alexis, it's Kate…"

"_Detective Beckett!"_

"I could use some distraction tonight… Do you wanna come over?"

The young girl squealed and Kate let herself think that life might not be as bad as she thought.

TbC

A/N: Coming up next… Some cancer-angst, some Caskett-sap.

Thank you very much for all the kind review. I'm glad some of you liked it. It's still hard to write in English. ;(


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"_You should talk to somebody… Anybody…__ Call your Dad, for god's sake…"_

All these well intended suggestions meant nothing to her but she figured if she told somebody who didn't care it would make it easier and she could tell Jan that she wasn't alone anymore. Lanie wasn't an option, neither were Esposito or Ryan. Beyond them, friends were something she just didn't have time for.

"Can I talk to you?"

"You're willing to talk to me? To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Cut the crap Castle. Would you please just… come over?"

She didn't know whether it was her serious tone or his wish to make up with her.

"I'll be there in 20."

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In his life Richard Castle had been involved with a lot of woman. All of them hot and stupid in a way he couldn't describe. When he grew up there hadn't been many father figures in his life. Now his mother was to blame for the fact that love and lust didn't make a difference for him.

When he met Kathrine Beckett for the first time he forgot to breathe. Hiding fear behind cockiness they'd quickly become some kind of twisted antidotes. In retrospect, he had begun looking for a reason to break it off, almost from the moment she had become important to him. The dreaded commitment conversation was just too close at land for comfort. He knew he'd break under the pressure of constant perfection she demanded in her life and in the end they were floating like planets in the sky. Always near each other but never touching at all. But even given the current circumstances with her – the word impossibility didn't seem to matter at all.

His expression was unreadable, but there was something in his eyes as he stared at her that held her attention, so she stared back, unflinchingly, as she tried to figure out just what it was.

"I need somebody to watch over me…"

"Kate Beckett needs protection? Interesting…" He smirked and she knew she might've just made the biggest mistake in her life. Her slumped shoulders seemed to drag her down even more.

"I need somebody to watch over me while getting chemotherapy. Somebody to make sure I'm not going to die in my sleep when I'm at home. Somebody to make sure I'm not going to stop breathing."

Beyond the demands of his career, and the responsibility of being a father his life had been spontaneous and for the most part – self serving. Now though everything had changed, and as a result his priorities were drastically rearranged.

She pushed herself out of the chair and walked to the coffee machine… Staring it down, trying to find some kind of bitter sweet comfort…

She'd once made a decision to separate herself from virtually everything, and had been doing a very good job off it. Now this unexpected act of kindness was responsible for pushing her off the edge of an emotional cliff.

Damn him.

She wasn't stupid. She knew this man would give up everything for her and even then wouldn't stop giving at all. It made it even harder for her to hate him.

"Beckett…"

Her stomach lurched, and her legs were wobbly, no longer able to support her weight. Instinctively she began stumbling toward the couch. But she only made it a few feet before darkness set in and she was embraced by some kind of warmth she'd barely remembered from her mothers touch.

The moment she opened her eyes, she wished she hadn't. Pain hit her like an avalanche. Strong. Everlasting. She gasped several times as she tried to remember what had happened. The drug cocktail twirling in her head made her aware of every single minute. Like an hour glass she was step by step drowning in.

The nausea, the fatigue, the constant pain. According to her oncologist this was something she had to be grateful for, even though she still couldn't figure out why.

These stupid hopeful verdicts you could find in fortune cookies came into her mind.

_Embrace the pain. Swallow the fear. Time is the most precious gift. _

Lately, she'd even been hopeful of a future and part of her seemed to wonder if it was his fault too. A future that might even include love, real love, and happiness. She had dared to dream, and had discovered, surprised, that her hopes hadn't been crushed in the process. It was hard but she knew she wasn't able to return to the safety of her former shell.

She laid on her side while her thoughts were drifting to her mother and Coonan. She shouldn't dream of dying. She'd made promises. Her mind was blank, suppressing the situation. It just wasn't there. These days, this year…It just never happened. Everything she wanted was for her life to go on the way it had before. A sigh escaped her as she rubbed her face and tried to sit up.

She realized too late that she shouldn't sit up quickly anymore. At least, Castle was fast enough with the dish.

They couldn't blame her when living became so much harder than the option.

But in the end…Dying just wasn't supposed to be this easy.

While watching her he barely remembered a conversation with Lanie only a couple of hours ago.

"_Don't push her further into a catatonic state Castle, or I swear you'll regret ever meeting anyone of us."_

"We need to talk…"

God she hated him.

TbC


End file.
